Monday, January 12, 2015

fickle fortune

Since Thanksgiving, Jason's decline has been definite.
He is fully bed bound now, as all his physical strength is depleted. The tumor(s) affect his neurological functions so that his equilibrium is totally off and movement makes him nauseated. His speech is sometimes garbled or slurred, and he often says very strange, random things. He is in and out of sleep all day and does not communicate much anymore. He has not eaten in weeks.

However, there are still glimpses of Jason peeking through a cancer addled body - the squeeze of his hand, a grin, even a funny or relevant comment. I live for those glimpses, knowing that he is not gone.

So while there is great sadness in helplessly watching his strength and sparkle fade away... I am heeding Jason's last great lesson to me: choose to be happy

And this is what I find:

We are the lucky ones.

While that may sound strange considering I am losing my love to brain cancer... I beg you to consider what good fortune we have had.

We are lucky to have had time.
I think about all that we have done since last March - we have traveled and laughed and celebrated and reconnected - and I am grateful that Jason did not die suddenly, or unexpectedly.

We are lucky that he did not choose to leave us.
 I'm sure it must be emotionally devastating for people to lose a spouse because they choose to leave - and it saddens me to know that it happens more often than cancer. When Jason dies, we will all know that he loved us, always.

We are lucky to have family.
We could not have waded through the emotions and logistics of surgery, treatment and care without the help and support of our family - immediate and extended. I am eternally grateful for them being here physically or emotionally to see us through this journey.

We are lucky to have friends.
Many of our friends are like family - and I am equally grateful for their support. They have kept our house full of joy and laughter and stories, and they have kept our children full of love and reassurance.

We are lucky to have community.
From Hospice, to Home Health - it is not about the services it is about the people that provide them. Everyone we know (and many we don't!) are so eager to help and support our family it has been uplifting and encouraging.

and most of all... I believe that Hamp & Sam are lucky in that:
  • they will grow up having seen a glimpse of what it means to deeply and selflessly love another
  • they have had invaluable time spent with family - especially grandparents
  • they will grow up knowing that life is precious
  • they will have a personal understanding of dedication, commitment, and family
  • they will inherit their father's mantra that life is good and we must choose an attitude of joy and gratitude


So here's to Good Fortune - may it find it's way to your hearts and homes in 2015.

21 comments:

  1. We love you, we love you, we love you. You are in my heart and thoughts every single day. I can't wait to give you a big squeeze when the time is right.

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  2. We are keeping you all in our thoughts and prayers... Please know that we are sending hugs from Athens, Georgia!

    Alison, Bryan and Adaline McCullick

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  3. Beautiful, Mandi. And of course another (huge) reason your boys are the lucky ones: They have you as a mom. xo

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  4. I agree with Michelle! As always, this is so well written and your strength is inspiring! I love you, tons!

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  5. You know what it is like to be really and truly loved. You know what it is to truly love another, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. You and Jason are a model of what is good and lovely and true to your children. I wish I could miraculously make Jason better, but perhaps the miracle is how you, Jason, and your family have responded to this crisis. You and Jason are an inspiration, not just to me, but to so many others. Thank you for sharing your journey. I love you, Mand. I love you in your times of weakness and in your indomitable strength. I just love you.

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  6. Mandi, my husband and I are friends of Jim and Patricia Netherton, and we've had the privilege, on more than one occasion, of sharing fellowship over a meal with John and Peg. Your family continues to be lifted in prayer as you walk this unexpected path. This side of heaven, we will never meet your precious Jason, but we live in Hope and look forward to the eternity we will spend together. In the meantime, I rejoice that God is your refuge and strength; an ever-present help in trouble. Lean hard on Him, for He is able.

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  7. Thank you Mandi for sharing your story of hope and choice of happiness. What a privilege to have worked with Jason and to know you and your dear sons. As I gazed at the Golden Rainbow yesterday, I thought of you and your family. I have been deeply touched by your strength and choice of happiness through this very difficult journey with Jason. My deepest love to you and your family! Hold onto the "Hope" of the continued journey that Christ displayed for us all to embrace in these times of challenge. Peace, Love and Harmony dear lady! Love you!

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  8. I am a Furman friend of Jason's. Please tell him that he is in our thoughts - and ask him to give our love to Spring. She is another friend of ours who passed away from colon cancer 6 years ago. Praying for strength, love and peace for all of you. Katherine Komarow Durst -'91

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  9. Hi Mandi, I just heard from friends in Florida of Jason's condition and just wanted to let you know you guys were in my thoughts. I am glad to have met Jason many years ago and to have seen (albeit from far away) you guys enjoy so many incredible years together as both a couple and a family in CO. If there is anything at all that I can do for you guys please let me know and give my love to both Jason and your family. - Jeffgrantz@gmail.com

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  10. Thoughts and prayers to you and your amazing family. What an honor to have known Jason, and I treasure my memories of him and the old Furman gang. Your love and strength are inspiring, and your boys are beautiful! Wishing you peace,
    Laurie (Schluenz) Mahaffey
    FU '95
    Easley, SC

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  11. I haven't seen Jason since graduating Furman, but I love him for many reasons. He was a kind, welcoming upper-class man when I joined Furman Singers, as an over-whelmed Freshman; his laugh was infectious; his eyes glowed blue cheeriness; he sand with passion and made no apologies for having a major outside of music; he was involved. Please let Jason know I am lifting him up and sending him positive thoughts and energies and love. Jennifer Austin-Janssen, FU class of 1993.

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  12. Mandi, I grew up with Kerrin in Emory, VA, and lived with Peg & John in Knoxville while in grad. school at UT 10+ years ago. I've pretty sure we've met a couple times, but it's been awhile. I've kept up with your family's journey through Kerrin & Peg for the most part. Just wanted to share that we've been praying for you all... and will continue to!! So thankful you are choosing joy in the midst of the pain; you do have so much for which to be thankful!!! Still... I can only imagine how hard this is. I'm praying that God, who made you all & loves you with a love that led Him to lay down His life on your behalf (i.e. on the cross), will strengthen your knowledge of Him through this time, and comfort, sustain, and encourage you... through your community, your family, God's Word, His presence with you, etc... I'm SO thankful He's given you such a rich and loving family & community around you!! What a blessing!! Love from NC... Alicia (Davis) Clark & family

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  13. Mandi, I am a fraternity brother of Jason's from Furman. I had the privilege and pleasure of playing with him in the Furman Marching Band, singing with him in the Furman Singers, traveling and rooming with him on the Singer's tour to the then Soviet Union in 1990, being a friend and a brother. I have not met you or your beautiful kids, but I feel I know you. Jason and all of you are so loved. You are in my hearts and prayers. Jason brought so much light into the Furman and Phi Mu Alpha fraternity. Praying and loving from afar, Fred Rose '93

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  14. Nash & Matt McCutchenJanuary 15, 2015 at 5:44 PM

    Our hearts are broken. What a joyous and exuberant spirit Jason brought during our time at Furman and beyond. Your words have inspired us and touched us deeply. Thank you for that gift. Please know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers constantly. Wishing you blessings, peace, comfort and hope, Mandi. Matt & Nash, Furman '94

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  15. I think I just sat here and read your entire blog - crying through much of it. I live in Savannah and knew Jason, Taylor, Grammy, and the Hightowers when I was a lot younger! I remember him from his elementary years at school and church and my parents still keep up with his parents. You are in my prayers daily - thank you for sharing this glimpse into your lives. I am so inspired by his attitude - and yours. Please know that many people are praying for comfort and peace for you all during this time.

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  16. When I think of Jason, I think happiness! He made us laugh and always spread joy around him. Prayers, love, and peace during this very difficult time- Scott and Julie Barnstead FU '94

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  17. Mandi, Jason and I were fraternity brothers and classmates at Furman. I had lost touch with him, but am discovering his battle within the last few days with all of the photos and postings of Furman friends. My thoughts, prayers, and love are with you, Jason, and Hamp and Sam. I am holding you all very close in my heart, and will continue to send my positive thoughts and prayers. Strength, love, and peace, Keith Jameson (Richard), Class of 1990.

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  18. Prayers for you and your family!

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  20. The comments above about fun, laughter, light, happiness... the things that Jason brought to those around him! I don't have words that express it any better. Just know that you ARE loved. Thank you for sharing. Very, very precious.

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