gratitute

I never imagined it would be so difficult to simply say "thank you".

But the outpouring of kindness, generosity and charity that we have experienced over the past 5 months has humbled me to the core.

As a dutiful Southern born woman I am bound by etiquette to take a moment and hand write a thank you note to properly express my appreciation for something. And yet the magnitude of both the donors and donations to our family has paralyzed me with shock. So I have laid silent for some time...

I have had to take this time just to process how to possibly even accept all that has come our way.

When a card and thoughtful words were sent ~ I was uplifted.

When a monetary gift was sent while we were in the hospital ~ I was grateful

When a stranger stopped us at a restaurant and handed us a $50 gift card to have lunch ~ I cried

Then the cards and thoughtful words and prayers multiplied exponentially everyday, as did the monetary gifts and kindness of strangers. I became overwhelmed and out of fear of appearing ungrateful I accepted. Meanwhile, under the guise of graciousness I struggled to understand where all the charity was coming from... and more importantly how we could possibly be deserving of it.

Everyone suffers through the trials of life ~ and I can think of friends and family who have weathered greater battles than the ones I face now. Besides, we are so lucky for so much: time with Jason, good health care, health insurance, home-owners insurance, a supportive community, and the love of family. Therefore, I worry that I am not worthy of what others are doing to help our family... and that I will never live up to the generosity bestowed upon us.

But as I consider the names of friends, family, family-friends, friends' families, co-workers, long-lost buddies, high school gangs, in-laws, out-laws, and occasionally the perfect stranger ~ all who have in some way reached out to our family lately with a word, a thought, a prayer, a gift ~ I am compelled to rethink my idea of charity. I must realize it is not something to be earned or even repaid. It is something to be paid forward; it is a way to live. And I realize that the only way to deserve the charity of others, is merely to be charitable in return. That is the cycle of kindness that usurps all the horrible things that people do in this world.

And lastly, I realize that perhaps when someone is charitable there is only one thing they hope to hear:

"thank you".