Just enjoy the ride

Since coming back home after thanksgiving, our adventures have taken on a different feel...

Jason's latest MRI shows more cancer in the brain.

The oncologist was quite frank about the findings, as if we should have been expecting this all along.

I'll admit, we (at least I) never expected a miracle cure...

But to find out that the chemotherapy did not slow the growth of the cancer cells was crushing.

Our treatment options at this point are almost exhausted.

• There are clinical trials still, but not only would Jason have to 'qualify' for any of them, but then none of them guarantee any success or extended longevity.
• There is another chemotherapy drug - Lomustine - that was offered, but we can't help but see this as a last-ditch effort that will not turn around the prognosis but rather rack his body with side effects and additional ailments to gain merely a fraction of additional time.

Considering the original diagnosis was Stage 4 cancer - we feel as if we have done everything possible to combat the tumor growth:  we have surgically removed the tumor (sustaining a stroke and paralysis in the process), radiated his brain, taken double chemotherapy: Temodar and Avastin, used Frankincense oil and Turmeric spice... so while there are hovering feelings that by stopping medical treatment at this point we are effectively 'giving up' or 'not fighting', we do hope that our struggles over the past 8 months (and the fact that we didn't move to Oregon!) are testament to Jason's effort to be more than his diagnosis, and to enjoy life in every way.

So we are re-calibrating - yet again! - and trying to find peace in this journey.

In some of my most existential moments through all of this I have flat out asked Jason, "What makes you happy? Why do you live?" and his answers have both humbled me and rejuvenated me. He responds, "My children... and people."

And he means everyone. His immediate family, closest friends, co-workers, associates, old friends, everyone. His relationships with people are his raison d'être and he truly does perk up when he can join a conversation or participate in a good joke.

To return to the road trip metaphor, I would have to say that at first I thought maybe it felt like we were taking a Thelma & Louise approach to our journey... or maybe running out of gas... or maybe lost along some desolate stretch of highway with no hope for reorientation?

But then I took a deep breath and realized the truth:

We are on a party bus!!! (of course we are... It's Jason! He'd have it no other way!)

This bus will drive indefinitely... and eventually (hopefully not too soon) this bus will pull off the highway and drop Jason off at home. He'll disembark and then the bus will continue on, we will all keep driving down the road until it's our stop approaching.

So naturally, we spent the past weekend doing what we would have normally done - the annual Christmas Tree hunt (and family Christmas Card photo opportunity!) in the National Forest. While I was having trouble getting in the Christmas Spirit overall, Jason had no hesitation to get a real tree. So despite feeling weak, tired and nauseous, Jason made the car ride up bumpy dirt roads and across creeks and up snowy hills to where we could let the boys and dogs run amok and laugh and visit while hunting for the perfect tree. And while I questioned whether it was even a good idea to take Jason - in the cool weather with no comforts of home - turns out it made him happy. His comforts are found in moments like these, with his friends... on the party bus!