a new year - finding joy

I simply can not comprehend the passage of time lately - it has been one full year since Jason died and I still feel him and hear him like he was just here... yet some of the memories of us together are already fading like they were from another era.

I am not naive or selfish enough to think that I am the only person for whom this day, this wretched anniversary, is depressing or emotionally difficult. However, I can only share how I grieve and hope that in sharing it will soothe the ache of others who miss Jason.

I struggle with riding the chair lift on my own this winter... 

I have spent the past 12 months in a state of constant flux - moving back into our house, keeping the boys entertained and active, learning a new job, traveling to see family and staying home to be with friends - yet all the while walking a blurred line of emotion; trying to choose happiness, but sometimes simply being overwhelmed by sadness.

I am constantly sad that he is gone. That is what I feel when I first wake up and what I feel as I drift off to sleep. It stays with me throughout the day as well, sometimes obscured by moments of happiness here and there... but the feeling of sadness is so deeply lodged in my consciousness that it has become my default emotion.

More than sadness really, what I feel is a lack of joy. I have realized that my grieving has evolved into a strange inability to experience joy on a regular basis... and I know that it is because Jason was my joy. He made everything in my life more joyful; he truly made me happy. I find that where I previously enjoyed so many things I now find emptiness: books, movies, game night, skiing, camping, sleeping, eating, drinking. Nearly every activity used to bring me great pleasure when shared with Jason and now I go through the motions for the sake of normalcy, and for the sake of our boys.

But something that was shared with me has made an impact in my way of thinking and in my grieving... these are the words of Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook:

“When I first lost Dave, I felt overwhelmed with just getting through each day. My friend [@AdamGrant] suggested that every night before bed I write down three things I did well that day. I tried to do this, although some days I had such a hard time thinking of anything I did well that I’d end up listing ‘Made a cup of tea.’ But over time, focusing on things I’d done well helped me rebuild my confidence.” 
In 2016, Sandberg wrote that she plans to “write down three joyful moments each day.”“I want to choose life and meaning over death and tragedy and live Option B as best I can,” Sandberg wrote in a Facebook post in which she pledged to do the best without Option A, her late husband Dave Goldberg.
“So I will try to focus on finding joy in the mundane and the profound—joy in the small things that make my children smile, joy in the moments of friendship that might otherwise pass by unnoticed, joy in the ability to appreciate the gift of life in a way I never did before.”

I am inspired by her resolution to choose happiness and joy and I hope that in 2016 I too can find joy more often in everything we do. (and believe me, with all the adventures that these boys have we are bound to find more joy than we can handle!)