connection

Remember this?
Well it has been easier said written than done!

At some point this summer, a friend caught up on my adventures and their first question was "Have you found more joy?" and I was saddened to say that I had been overlooking much of it.

So I sunk deeper into my head and my heart and tried to figure out how to make better choices.

Fast forward to today. I am still high off a weekend trip to the city to visit a very dear, old friend. Initially I was just excited to get away for a couple of days - away from the responsibilities of life and parenting and work and home, etc. - but what I left excited about was being able to realize that joy was surrounding me at every turn.

As I sat on a park bench in the sunshine waiting to meet up with my friend, I had time to finally listen to the questions that my head and my heart had been asking all year:

My head needed to know that I was capable and worthy of being connected to the ones I love.

My head asked for permission to stop worrying about whether I was doing it right, or giving enough and to just be.

My head wondered if it was ok to begin searching for my own passions.

My heart needed to know whether it could be full again... Jason's death left a hole that I thought might be irreparable.

My heart asked for reassurance that loving life now was not a disservice or a disloyalty to the love that I will forever have for Jason.

My heart wondered if it was ok to feel light and love even in the shadow of loss. 

I received a resounding yes to all of those questions - I just needed to accept that answer. I fed off the energy of millions of passers-by as I wrapped up my existential moment on that city park bench. I realized that joy was in me, trying to resurface if only I would get out of my own way and appreciate the legacy that Jason left: Choose Happiness.

Then this morning I saw this interview with one of my best friends... she talks about how she chooses (or in her perfect terms, chases!) her happiness and how it fuels her life. She talks about many great things actually, because she is great! - but she also mentions "the why". I love the idea of how knowing why creates a deeper connection to everything around you.

I hope to avidly spend the next months feeling connected to the love and joy around me. Since getting home, I have already started by taking a hike with a friend (and Gabe, of course!) and listening to some of my favorite music from my youth (The Smiths... ahhhhh) and committing to the local Christmas Choir and laughing at with my boys. It shouldn't be too difficult to find the joy around me during a time of year when it is abundant... heck, I even ordered Christmas cards to send this year!? Seemed like a nice we to stay connected...